Cross Dressing
by Anne Oying
Summary: Not your average Birthday fic! When Nicky demands that Rod dress more informally for his party, he has no idea of the horrors he is about to unleash... well, The Bad Idea Bears thought it would work!
1. Edam Gouda Birthday!

_Nicky looked up from the patch of daisies in the meadow that he and Rod were frolicking in,_

_"Rod?"_

_"Yes Nicky?"_

_"I have something to tell you... I've wanted to tell you for a real long time but...,"_

_"Yes?"_

_Nicky bit his finger and turned away, "No! I can't!" he cried._

_"You can! You have to! What is it?" shrieked Rod as he grabbed Nicky and shook him by the shoulders, "Say it for the two of us!"_

_Nicky brushed a hair off Rod's face, Don't be shocked by what I'm about to say - ," _

* * *

><p>"Happy Birthday Rodney!" Rod was abruptly awoken by a hugstrangle from Nicky and the smell of burnt toast.

Rod sighed, just another untrue fantasy...

"Oh Nicholas, you shouldn't have," Rod said theatrically.

"Well I did, and don't call me that!" he grumbled.

"Well then, don't call me Rodney," Rod replied with a yawn.

"I made you breakfast and a card!" Nicky bubbled with glee and shoved a tray at him.

"Oh Nicky," Rod was touched; he ignored the charcoaled toast and took a sip of coffee, "You really shouldn't have," Yuk! It was vile! It bared no resemblance to his elegant Nescafe! What had Nicky done to his dearest friend? "Say, have you ever made coffee before?"

"Nope!" Nicky beamed proudly, "I've never really liked it myself, actually," he admitted.

To stall another sip, he opened the card which had two cheeses on the front; one had a very dignified, wise expression and had "mature cheddar" written under it, the other was pulling a face and sticking its tongue out with "immature cheddar" as a caption. Rod chuckled and opened it to find the companies message ("Have Edam Gouda Birthday!") and "Love Nicky xoxoxoxoxo!" written in his roommate's messy handwriting.

"Gee, thanks Nicky," he said and then, "I've got to get ready for work," shoving the tray aside and leaping away from the "coffee".

"Aw, it took forever to work out how to make that coffee! I had to grind the beans and everything!" Nicky lamented.

"Beans? But we only have powder…," Rod wondered aloud, the only beans in the house were…, "Nicky, were they in the bottom cupboard?"

"Uh, yeah, I think so, why?"

"Those were kidney beans…"

"…,"

* * *

><p>"Honey I'm home!" Rod announced as he entered the apartment after work, it was weird how this phrase had become part of his routine, so much so that he did it almost subconsciously, and yet, he suddenly wondered what life would be like if Nicky really was his "honey". He couldn't explore it deeper as Nicky emerged from the bathroom and replied,<p>

"Good day at the office, dear?"

"Same old," Rod sighed, unwilling to follow through the whole act, he felt very tired and very old. He plopped onto the couch and kicked his shoes off.

Nicky landed next to him and began bouncing up and down until Rod was forced to pay him some attention.

"What?" he snapped, Nicky was acting like a child, while Rod seemed to age a decade at each birthday, Nicky only got more immature and childlike, did he age backwards or something? Thought Rod as he glared at Nicky's hyperactive grin.

"Dontcha want your present?" he asked coyly.

"No,"

"Aw, don't be such an old man! C'mon, get changed!"

"Why?"

"For the party, duh!" Nicky squealed and dragged him up and shoved him into their shared bedroom.

Rod emerged a few minutes later in his "Every Day Suit".

"Aw, can't you wear something a bit more informal?" Nicky whined and shoved Rod back in.

"Informal, ok, I could do that…," he inspected his admittedly formal wardrobe with despair until he had a brainwave. He went over to Nicky's area and picked a pair of jeans off the floor. Good, jeans were informal, especially creased worn "Nicky" jeans. He was about to venture back to the formal side and add a shirt and sports jacket when he had an idea.

"Hey Ro-," Nicky's eyes bulged, "Um, Rod… why are you wearing my clothes?" He stared at his favourite jeans, converse and orange hoodie, he'd seen them a thousand times but never on Rod!

"You said to be more informal," stated Rod with a grin, even his hair was messy and tousled and he was wearing his contacts, all that was missing was green skin and a five o'clock shadow.

"Yeah, but I… I mean, you didn't… huh?" It was just so weird seeing Rod so… not Rod. He was like the anti Rod… he was like Nicky… but he was Rod…

"Well?" Rod asked, "When's the party?"

"Uh, I just gotta get changed…," two could play this game.

"But you've had all day to get dressed!" Rod complained in a very Nicky like manner.

"Uh, this shirt doesn't go with my eyes," he muttered and sped into the room.

Rod could hear all kinds of bumps and bangs and cursing coming from the room and he started to get a bit worried that some of the chaos might spread to his side. Eventually Nicky strutted out into the living room and posed for Rod.

"Nicky!" he gasped, he was wearing the same "Every Day Suit" that he'd earlier deemed unacceptable, Rod's discarded glasses and he'd somehow managed to gel, blow dry and style his hair up into a bit of an exaggerated version of Rod's pointy 'do.

"Come on, we're gonna be late," Nicky said wagging his finger and doing his best Rod impression.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hey hey hey, not your average Q fic, eh? I might make it a one-shot but it'll most likely be expanded by tomorrow (I just <em>have<em> to squeeze the rest of the gang in! Stay tuned!**

**ps I'm not exactly the worlds most esteemed expert on coffee... I just like the advert for Nescafe with George Clooney getting hit with a piano, so if theres some special name for coffe powder or if Nescafe only uses beans or whatever, just keep it to yourself and feel smug**

**oops, forgot the disclaimer**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Nescafe, Rod, Nicky or George Clooney or his advert (but the plot's mine! what I finds I keeps!)**


	2. Just a Quickie

**Disclaimer: Well, duh, it's fanfiction!**

* * *

><p>"When are they getting here?" Gary Coleman drummed his fingers and fidgeted, Rod and Nicky were fifteen minutes late, but then Nicky wasn't exactly renown for his organisational time keeping skills. He surveyed the private booth at the Around the Clock Café that they'd hired; Kate and Princeton were squished up against him, eating each others faces, on his other side Trekkie was alternating between drooling over some pin up girl on his iPhone, chatting up Lucy and sneaking glances at the make out session that Gary was trying to ignore, next to Trekkie; Lucy the Christian was arguing with the Bad Idea Bears, trying to get them to give up scientology whilst Brian and Christmas Eve were having one of their infamous post marital spats.<p>

Princeton surfaced for air and told him to quit whining before he was again molested by Kate. Gary glared at him and took another glug of beer, earning a disapproving look from Lucy.

Oh please, just please. Her new up-her-own-ass-holier-than-thou attitude was never going to last, he knew how much she enjoyed hosting saucy cabarets and strutting around in micro skirts and tube tops. He watched the former star of Girls Gone Wild, now clad in a shapeless white tablecloth type dress down to her ankles with her glorious blonde curly hair restrained in a thick braid, accuse the Bad Idea Bears of worshipping aliens.

Scientology, eh? No wonder they were called the _Bad Idea_ Bears.

He chuckled at his catty remark, catching the attention of Christmas Eve.

"What you smirking at Shorty?" she snapped. Brian saw an opportunity to present a united front.

"Yeah Tiny… did you see a mirror or something?" he looked at his wife expectantly.

"Blian, that was weak," she slowly shook her head and took a sip of her drink.

"Very," agreed Gary, "Aren't you supposed to be a comedian or something?"

"Actually, I'm a consultant now! Right, Honey?" he beamed proudly.

"You be whatever you want, I'm off to bathroom," she muttered and escaped the crowded booth.

Gary couldn't resist a jab, Brian looked so crestfallen, "Tut tut, Brian, even I know that the twin pillars of a successful marriage are "Support and Love"," he said wisely.

"They are?" he missed the sarcasm.

"Uh, sure, you shouldn't be letting her treat you like that, you need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself!"

"Testify!" the Bad Idea Bears recognised an opportunity.

"Yeah! I'm the man!" Brian shouted, causing everyone to focus on him.

"If you say so," Gary muttered.

"What?"

"He said, "You should say so!"" the Bears chimed in, "You need to show her who wears the pants in this relationship!"

"Yeah!" He tried to stand up dramatically but got a bit stuck between the table and the big sofa that went round the booth. He sucked in his gut and tried again.

Everyone suppressed their laughter and attempted to look inspired.

"Go get 'em big guy!" the Bears cried.

"Hold on a second!" Kate decided to speak up, luckily Princeton silenced her with more kisses.

"Brian, do not listen to these sinners," now Lucy was taking a stand, who invited her anyway?

Suddenly in burst Rod and Nicky.

"What the hell!" Gary exclaimed into the now silent booth.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: YAY! I just love Gary Coleman so much, even though he's dead in real life, his musical counter part will live on! I mean, if they were trying to make it realistic then he wouldn't be played by a girl now would he? Ahuh, anyway, short, I know, but it's just a filler chapter to show the passage of time or something. I dunno, Shakespeare used to do it!<strong>


	3. Shall we dance?

**Disclaimer: Fan. Fiction. **

* * *

><p>"Rod…? Nicky…? Did you two get dressed in the dark or something?"<p>

Rod giggled.

"Did he just giggle," Gary whispered to Trekkie. Trekkie shrugged and went back to ogling his iPhone.

The odd pair squeezed in next to the open mouthed Brian. Princeton began inspecting his glass to see if anyone spiked his drink whilst he was "preoccupied".

"Well, I think it's great, Rod, I've always said you should dress more casually and it's a nice change to see Nicky…," Kate tailed off.

"Bathe for once?" suggested Gary.

"We like it!" sang the Bears.

"You would," muttered Gary.

"Me also fan, this like film me saw where mother and daughter switched bodies," added Trekkie.

"Oh, I saw that film! Freak Friday?" Kate was always eager to coax out a more innocent side of Trekkie.

"No, Feely Friday," he smiled lecherously.

"…,"

"Well…, I propose a toast," said Brian, raising his glass, everyone followed suit, "To changes!"

"To changes!" a clink of glasses resounded.

"There's gonna be a lot round here…," he added darkly as everyone sipped their drinks (Rod and Nicky got theirs at the bar).

"Speaking of change," added Lucy, who hadn't touched her iced water, "There is still time for you all to be saved!" she announced.

"Oh boy, we're being lectured by a topless dancer," muttered Gary.

"_Ex_-topless dance," snapped Lucy.

"Why don't we give Rod his presents?" Kate asked desperately.

"Oh, yeah! _That's_ why we're all here!" Princeton said, as if he'd solved some big mystery, earning an elbow in the ribs from Kate.

"Happy Birthday Rod!" everyone sang. Rod attempted a smile as he graciously accepted his presents.

"Thank you," he said as he slid the gifts onto the floor, under the table.

Suddenly in burst Christmas Eve.

"Blian! My favourite song is on! Dance with me!" she grabbed him (Rod and Nicky leapt out of the way) and yanked him out of the booth and onto the dance floor.

"Hey, isn't this our song?" he asked.

She laughed, "Don't be stupid, it not our song, it _my _song!" she playfully whacked him on the arm.

"Silly me," he muttered and began dancing.

"Oh, Princeton! We should dance too, it's the perfect way to declare our couple status to the world!" Kate squealed and dragged Princeton out too.

"What do you say, Clover?" asked the boy bear.

"Hm, I'd say dancing is a good idea,"

"You're right, let's go request Miley Cyrus songs,"

"Yay!" the Bears scurried off in delight.

"Lucy, care to settle our differences over the art of dance?" challenged Gary, "Or do you need a large metal pole to be able to?"

"Bring it on, munchkin," she snarled and stomped out the booth.

"I like 'em feisty," Gary nudged the chuckling Trekkie before skipping after Lucy.

"Well Rod, it's either me or Trekkie," Nicky waggled his eyebrows.

"Ok," Rod said, trying to conceal his nervousness.

* * *

><p>"Ow! Nicky, you keep stepping on my toes!"<p>

"I can't help it! Man, how do you see out these things?" Nicky wiped the glasses on his shirt and frowned.

"Nicky, you don't have to wear them,"

"But I wanna!" he cried.

Rod sighed, "Well stop complaining then,"

Nicky grumbled.

They were doing normal club dancing, a few steps away from each other, arms pumping, legs swaying, head bopping type dancing. Then a slow smoochy song came on.

"Ok, everyone partner up!" the DJ called.

"Uh…," Rod and Nicky stared at each other, horror struck.

Nicky shrugged, "Might as well," he said and placed one arm on Rod's shoulder and one on his waist.

Rod tried not to faint and mirrored Nicky.

Suddenly Nicky was pulling Rod about in an exaggerated tango type dance, earning some chuckles and preserving his masculinity.

Oh well, thought Rod, it's better than nothing. He allowed himself to be thrown about the crowded dance floor like he was some sort of puppet until the song ended.

"Phew!" Nicky wiped the sweat off his brow, "That was fun!"

"It sure was," Rod sighed and headed to the bar.

"Appletini please, barman," he sighed.

When the drink arrived he chugged it down in one gulp and slammed the empty glass on the bar, mucho macho style.

"Rod?" a familiar voice sounded behind him.

He turned round, "Ricky?"

"Rod, it is you!" he cried and pulled Rod into a tight hug.

"Well, it was the last time I looked," Rod said as he was released.

"Woah, you look so different," his eyes widened as he looked Rod up and down.

"So do you," Rod said, because it was polite.

"No, I mean you _really _look different!"

"Huh… oh, yeah!" he had forgotten about his appearance, "It's just a little joke me and Nicky are doing,"

"Nicky, huh, are you two…?" he raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

"Nicky and I?" he thought for a moment, "Yep, we sure are!" he beamed.

"Good for you," Ricky said a little sadly, "I was always rooting for you two," he sighed.

"Thanks, Ricky," Rod patted his ex-boyfriend's shoulder.

"Well, you should be getting back to Nicky," he mumbled, "Oh, and happy birthday,"

Rod smiled at him, "You remembered!"

Ricky grinned bashfully.

Rod patted him again and turned back to the dance floor. He looked around for Nicky until he saw him. Dancing with a girl…

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><p><strong>AN: Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnn! He he he, this chapter was hard, I knew I had to get Ricky in there somehow and Rod had to be betrayed! *gasp* About the Bears' names; I read somewhere that they don't really have names but the cast called them Esteban and Clover so...<strong>

**Try and guess why Rod orders an appletini... c'mon try it... anyone who gets it right will get a lifetime supply of cookies and... um, a singing cardboard box (y'know, from Purpose)**

**Stay Tuned!**


	4. Care Bears

**Salutations! I won't be able to update that often in the near future as I've got big, bad and ugly exams coming up, dun dun dunnn! So, it's not the best chapter but... it's something... Also, a big congrats to Kendell Emmett Iero-Way Goode for correctly guessing why Rod hearts apletinis! Enjoy your singing box!**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, don't own it. If I did, you think I'd be on a fanfiction site? **

* * *

><p>Rod gasped.<p>

The girl whispered something in Nicky's ear and he laughed and took of Rod's glasses.

Rod blinked a few tears away and ran into the bathroom.

"I'm such an idiot!" he cried to himself. He had really thought for a moment that maybe Nicky actually…

Although the bathroom was empty, he didn't want anyone bursting in on him so he ran into the nearest cubicle, bolted the door, sat on the lid, hitched his legs up and buried his head in his hands.

* * *

><p>"Eve," Brian began.<p>

"It Christmas Eve," she replied, without moving her head from his shoulder.

"I thought we discussed this," he huffed, "I was allowed to call you Eve and you were allowed to decorate the house," he suddenly realised what an unfair deal he'd made.

She sighed, he could practically hear her eyes rolling, "Whatever, Blian," she looked up and smiled at him, "But only 'cause it you," she pecked his nose.

Brian attempted to smile back, he was tallying up all the decisions she'd made without considering him; Making him give up his dreams of being a comedian. Moving house. Hiring the catering company that fired him for the wedding. He winced. That one had stung.

"Blian, what with the weird face?"

"I'm just thinking, dear," he replied moodily.

She laughed, "Don't wear yourself out!"

* * *

><p>"Princeton! Are you even trying? Don't you care about our couple status?" Kate snapped as she dragged her bored boyfriend across the dance floor.<p>

"Kate, not that many people here even know us, and I doubt they care about our dancing," he said gently, she was getting herself all worked up.

"Yes they do!" she screeched, "Image is everything! They're judging us as we speak," she added in a whisper.

"Well, they are now," they were getting a lot of weird looks after Kate's outburst.

"Just shut up and dance," she said out the corner of her smiling mouth as she waved to the spectators.

* * *

><p>"That the best you've got, Coleman?"<p>

"I'm just warming up… the Slut?"

Lucy rolled her eyes, "It's the Christian now."

"Ah, but for how much longer?"

She glared at him, "Why so little faith, you don't think people can change?"

"Some can, you can't," he replied simply, "I can't either, I've had my chances." He shrugged.

"Yes you can! Everyone can!" she exclaimed passionately, "You just need more faith! You need to believe! You have to open your heart and look inside it, and offer it to the world!" she cried.

"I'll work on that," he grumbled, twirling Lucy under his arm (she had to crouch).

* * *

><p>"What now?" Clover asked.<p>

"I dunno," shrugged Esteban.

"We've done every bad idea to death," she wailed.

"Well, I'm going to the bathroom," Esteban mumbled, "Why don't you come too?"

"To the men's room?"

"Yep."

"Yay!" they cried and sped in.

"Hey, can you hear sobbing?"

"Yep."

They began poking their heads under the cubicle doors until they found Rod.

"Oh, hey Rod!" Clover greeted him enthusiastically from the floor.

"What the-?" he looked up.

"Down here big guy!" Esteban joined her.

"Oh, hey guys," he said miserably.

"Aw, cheer up!"

"It's your birthday!"

"Not a very happy one," Rod mumbled.

"Awwwwwww!" they said sweetly, pouting.

"What's wrong?" they asked in unison, still peering under the door.

"Oh, I can't say," Rod blushed a bit.

"Come on!"

"We won't tell!"

"Please!" they cried together, pouting again.

Well, they do look cute, thought Rod, they must mean well, "Well…"

"Why don't you tell us over a drink?"

"Yeah! You'll feel better!" they batted their eyelashes.

"Alright then."

* * *

><p>"Woo! You guys were right!" Rod hiccupped.<p>

"Of course we were," they exchanged looks.

"So," Clover sidled up to him, "What's up?"

"The level of alcohol in my blood," he snorted.

"…yeah," Clover glanced at Esteban and almost unnoticeably raised her eyebrows.

"Ha ha! Good one, Rodney!" he schmoosed.

"Don't call me that!" he snapped, it reminded him of a conversation he'd had with Nicky this morning, he snivelled.

"Aw, what's wrong?" Clover patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"It's Nicky!" Rod cried drunkenly.

"Did you two break up?"

The trio spun round to see Ricky's concerned face.

"Oh, you're Rod's ex, right?"

"Uh, yes,"

The Bears lit up, "Well, come on over and join the party!"

"Rod, are you alright?" he said, concerned.

"No!" he sniffed, "Nicky's dancing with a girl!"

"I can't see him," Ricky searched the club.

"Aw, no! He's taken her home!" Rod cried, "Now I have to stay out here all night!"

The Bears smirked, "No you don't!"

"Stay with Ricky!"

"He doesn't mind!"

"Uh, well, if it'll be awkward for you at home…"

"Yay!" the Bears high fived each other as Ricky supported a drunken and sobbing Rod as they left the club.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ok, not my best chapter I kind of rushed it as I wanted to get past this awkward part, so I apologise that it's not at its best :(<strong>

**Also, dontcha just love the Bears? **


	5. Care Bears 2: The Revenge

**AN: This is a bit of an anti-climax, after about a week, all I've got for you is another filler chapter, just to set things in motion, I apologise sincerely and promise that the next one will kick. Ass. Also, if I haven't mentioned before, I am trying to write in American as it's an American play, so I apologise for any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, either that's the way it's spelt in tartan land or... a real spelling mistake...**

**Disclaimer: No, I did not spend my absent week battling for ownership of Avenue Q and all it's characters... and if I did... I lost...**

* * *

><p>"Hey, have you guys seen Rod anywhere?"<p>

"No, I can't see anything past Blian's flab! When you going to work out like we discussed?"

"We never discussed it! That's my point! You just decide everything!"

"No I don't! We agree everything unanimously!"

"The only people who agree are you and yourself!"

Nicky slowly backed away from the arguing couple and made his way over to Kate and Princeton.

"Uh, have you two -."

"You don't care at all, do you Princeton? This is like the time you told me you wanted to "research" at NYU when you really went to ogle girls!"

"Oh, come of it Kate, you're too obsessed about what everything thinks of us!" he paused, "And how exactly is this like that time?"

Nicky groaned and searched for Gary and Lucy. He found them making out in a dark corner.

"Hey, have you -,"

"Beat it, I'm saving my immortal soul here, kid," growled Gary.

"Urgh!" Nicky steamed and began searching again, "Rod, where are you!"

"Hi Nicky!"

"How are ya?"

Nicky turned round to see the adorably evil beaming faces of the Bears.

"Have you two seen Rod anywhere?" he didn't bother with a greeting.

"Rod?"

"Which Rod?"

"We happen to know more than one Rod."

"My Rod!" he shouted in exasperation.

"Oh!"

"_That_ Rod!"

The bears exchanged evil looks and nodded gleefully.

"He went home."

"With _Ricky_," Clover waggled her eyebrows as Esteban made kissy noises.

"What?" Nicky's head spun a bit, "But, but it's his birthday! I have a surprise for him!" he wailed.

"Aw, you seem upset,"

"You know what'll cheer you up?"

"What?" he sniffed.

"Booze!" they cried together and dragged him to the bar.

* * *

><p>"So, how ya feeling now?"<p>

"Worse," Nicky sighed.

"What's the big deal?"

"Yeah, we heard you were dancing with a girl!"

"What, her?" Nicky shook his head, "She wanted to make her boyfriend jealous,"

"Ooooooh," the Bears lit up, "Well, Rod got pretty upset when he saw you two!"

"Yeah, he practically begged Ricky to take him home!"

"He did?"

"Uhuh."

"Hey!"

"You should go tell him it was all just some big misunderstanding!"

"Yeah!"

"Then you can show him your…"

They giggled, "_Surprise_!"

"You know what, I should!" he shouted and wiped his mouth free of alcohol, "I'm gonna get my buddy back!" he charged for the exit.

The bartender looked at them, "What have you two done?"

The Bears grinned, "Oh, we're just helping two lost souls find love."

"Great, then you don't mind paying for both the blue and the green guy's drinks?"

They pouted, "C'mon, put them on our tab!"

"Yeah, you wouldn't charge Cupid, now would you?"

The bartender was, in some ways, wiser than the rest of Avenue Q; he knew that nicknames were there for a reason.

Suddenly Gary approached the bar forlornly.

"Yay!" the bears whispered before rounding on him.

The bartender groaned, it was going to be a long night.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Well, here's the filler you didn't order, you've probably noticed my obsession with the Bears by now... maybe when this is over, I'll write a fic about them...<strong>

**And, yep, I still gotzz exams so I'd advice you don't hold your breath**


	6. An AntiClimax Of Sorts

**Disclaimer: Oh, how you torture me so.**

**AN: Yeah, it's been a while, sorry. I just kinda lost motivation and ideas for this story (it would help if I could get a bit of positive feedback, you know) I hate to be one of those whiney Review Or Die types but I kinda feel like I'm writing this story for myself (and I know how it ends) so... yeah. I know you guys are out there! I can see you on my stats page! Don't make me come out there and get you!**

**Also, yeah, another crappy chapter, I think that the chapters will be much shorter from now on... coz I'm lazy and it's easier (plus I love being evil, muahahaha!)**

* * *

><p>"Rod! Rod! Rod! Rodney! Rod Buddy! Rod Pal! Roddy! Rodward! Rodsworth! Roddddddddddd!" Nicky screamed his best friend's name with each pound of the door. He pounded the door with each thud of his heart. He thought of Rod with every thud.<p>

"Nicky?" the door partly swung open, the chain was on. Nicky stuck his head through.

"Ricky! Can I speak to Rod, I know he's there!"

Ricky shook his head, "Sorry Nicky, Rod's unconscious, besides," he glared at Nicky, "He doesn't want to talk to you."

"Is this about me dancing with that girl?"

"Well, duh! How could you do that to your boyfriend? And on his birthday too!" he shook his head sadly.

"You don't understand I was – boyfriend?"

"Sorry, _ex_-boyfriend," the door was slammed in Nicky's face.

Boyfriend…?

* * *

><p>"So you see, I'll never be good enough for her," Gary slumped his head onto his hands and sighed.<p>

"Aw!"

"That's sad!"

"Really sad!"

"But…maybe…"

"No!"

"You're right, no!"

"Nope."

"No way."

"Uh-uh."

"No-Siree-Bob!"

"What?" Gary perked up.

The Bears shook their heads, subtly pushing their drinks towards him.

He took a sip, "C'mon guys, what is it?"

They exchanged looks, "Well… since you asked…"

* * *

><p>"Stupid Princeton! I don't why I keep letting him crawl back to me!" Kate steamed as she entered the bathroom.<p>

"Kate Monster?"

"Eve?"

Christmas Eve responded by sobbing loudly and blowing her nose, "He right! I let you call me Eve! He my husband, you just my whiney friend!" she wailed.

"_Christmas _Eve, is everything alright between you and Brian?"

Eve shook her head miserably, "No! He want to kill me!"

Kate smiled, "Doesn't that mean that he "ruvs" you, then?"

Eve snorted and grinned damply, "Sadly, no…"

* * *

><p>"Hey Lucy, mind if I keep you company?"<p>

Lucy looked up sadly at Princeton, "Are you sure your girlfriend won't get jealous?"

Princeton sighed, "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about…"

* * *

><p>Trekkie; the impartial observer to the various farces playing before him, reluctantly surrendered his iPhone and ventured out of the booth to start setting things right. He just wouldn't be able to get to sleep without the loud gasps and moans from the various couples gently serenading him to sleep through the paper-thin walls.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I told ya it was bad! Oh well, at least it's something - a bit of an anti-climax but oh well...<strong>

**Review please! *puppy eyes***


	7. Boyfriend?

**To Alice and Josie (if you're reading this): Of course you can! (I'm actually surprised that anyone would want to) you might want to wait until I've polished it - I'm going to try and elongate the chapters and bring it up to par with my usual OCD-perfectionist standards ;P if you left your username(s) in a review or a PM then I'd love to check out your other work! :D**

**No, that is not your imagination, the chapters ARE getting shorter and more pointless. There's a ridiculously large writer's block hopping about my brain whenever I try to update this story. Also, though it may be hard to believe, I actually can write quite well - this fic is really showing me in a bad light and I plan to rewrite it as soon as I can manage. And also, I've been mean and not thanked everyone who reviewed! I'm aware that this fic is badly-written and convaluted but I still enjoy getting feedback! You guys are awesome (and such sweet liars XP)**

* * *

><p>"How could you do that to your boyfriend?"<p>

Boyfriend…

"I am _not _a closeted homo-whatever!"

Homo-whatever…

"What can I do for Rod? Oh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!"

Rod…

"I would say that my buddy Rod has… an undescended testicle!"

Undescended testicle…

Nicky's mind was reeling, his thoughts were drowning in the sea of alcohol and confusion as he tried to comprehend what Ricky had just told him.

He thought that Nicky and Rod were an item.

How had _that _happened?

Had he seen them dancing? Had someone told him as a joke? Was he just being paranoid and bitter?

Nicky groaned and swayed before plopping down outside Ricky's apartment door. His trouser protested and clutched at his thighs in a most uncomfortable way.

"Huh, my jeans are sure acting strange," he hiccupped to himself before looking down at the offending clothing, "Holy crap! That's right!" He was still wearing Rod's clothes! His hand shot up to prod at his hair, "Ouch!" yep, still spiky enough to poke out a few eyeballs.

He chuckled to himself, how had things gotten so out of control? It was just supposed to be some innocent little shindig to cheer Rod up after his messy break-up – and to lift everyone's spirits, really, that newcomer on Avenue Q was really bringing everyone down with his youthful chipperness and optimistic outlook on life. Ugh. Good thing no one invited him, Nicky hated to think about how worse the night would have been with Mr. "I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything!" buzzing about with his own running commentary on how much everyone else's life sucks. The whole block was taking bets on how long it took for him to crack and embrace cynism.

Nicky sighed, trying not to digress too much. Why didn't Rod want to see him? Or did Ricky just say that… but then, why would Ricky say that? He and Nicky actually got on quite well – they had a _lot _in common, and had still stayed kind of half-friends after him and Rod split. But he could be kind of jealous sometimes… Nicky remembered this one time when Ricky had confronted him and demanded to know if there had ever been anything between him and Rod – and he had gone absolutely _ballistic _that night when Nicky crawled into bed with Rod after having a nightmare.

Nicky frowned thoughtfully… the cloud of alcohol apparently clearing (when in fact it was getting thicker as the vodka got a second wind) and one thought took up his brain.

He had to get Rod out of there.

* * *

><p><strong>Bear with me, my lovelies, I'm trying to finish this quickly before going back and re-writing it (coz that's how I work ;P) so supershort chapters may be the norm from now on - sorry <strong>


	8. I Just Have Healing Hands, That's All

**I know, I suck. I'm drowning in essays and OS maps, my boss is getting shirty, my attention span is getting shorter (oh, and I still haven't found my purpose X3) **

**Well, back to short crappy chappies for now, I've decided to procastinate and finish the damn thing before I even begin to think about re-writing. Thanks for the reviews, sorry I haven't been responding well, my laptop hasn't forgiven me for beating it at Scrabble**

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><p>"Oh my God!"<p>

"What happened?"

"She fainted!"

There was a _clunk _of music being hastily turned off as the staff rushed forwards, bulldozing their way through the circle of gawkers that crowded around the unconscious Bad Idea Bear.

The manager sucked in a sharp breath and glanced at his lawyer, who nodded and patted a briefcase stuffed with insurance papers and other such reflect-the-blame type forms.

"Alright, everyone just back off and give her some air," he said hoarsely, this not being his first dropper, and at a look at the dilated pupils and swaying young people around him, it didn't seem like it would be last either, "Is she breathing?"

"Yes!" cried an agonised-looking Esteban from his position, leaning over his cohort, "Barely!" he added in his best Soap-Opera voice as he broke down into heart-wrenching sobs.

"Call an ambulance!" some hysterical student cried, whipping out his phone, ready film the whole thing.

"There's no need!" boomed an impressively deep voice, everyone turned away from the bears to gape at the newcomer, "I'll save her!" he cried heroically, diving forwards.

"Gary?" Lucy arched an eyebrow as Gary charged into the crowd, knocking the astonished clubbers out of his way like skittles, "Gary Coleman?" she repeated, almost speechless.

"Yes I am!" he cried back, swooping over the bears and winking at Esteban who gave him a subtle thumbs up, "Though the Lord is acting through me!" he exclaimed, throwing his arms out impressively, keeping an eye on Lucy, wanting to gauge her reaction.

"…?"

"Now…everyone just STAND BACK! I know what I'm doing!" The crowd didn't need to be told twice. Gary grinned cheekily and flexed his biceps, hamming it up.

"Quickly!" cried Esteban, apparently anguished, "We're running out of time!"

Gary nodded grimly and kneeled down next to Clover, shouting in his best preacher-voice, "Heal!" he cried, placing a hand on her forehead, "Heal, I say! HEAL!" he threw his head back dramatically, his arms flying up too.

"I'm conscious!" whooped Clover, springing up to cheers and applause.

"Wow, that was amazing!" said Esteban sycophantically, "It filled me such faith and belief… hey! I'm no longer a Scientologist!" he exclaimed.

"Me neither!" they looked at each other and hugged happily, hiding their smirks from the still-applauding crowd – some of them were actually crying.

Lucy was not one of them.

"What the hell is this, Gary?" she demanded as Gary swaggered over to her, "Are you making fun of me or something? Is this some kind of a joke?" not waiting for answer, she angrily flipped her braid over her shoulder and stomped away.

"No, Lucy, it's not like that!" he called, struggling to fight through the crowd. By the time he'd broken through, she was nowhere to be seen.

He sighed miserably and slouched back to the bar, where the barman smiled sympathetically and poured him something strong and stingy.

"You know," he said conversationally, casually cleaning a glass, "They're called 'The Bad Idea Bears' for a reason."


	9. Daisies, a White Cat and Abduction

**I love writing the dream sequences... its really just an excuse to be as overly-dramatic as I wish :)**

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><p>"<em>Nicky…?" Rod looked up from his spot in the patch of daisies. Where was Nicky? Wasn't he just about to profess his love andor plant a big sloppy smooch on Rod? _

"_How could you, Rod?" _

_Rod frowned and spun his head around in confusion until the orange and green blur that was Nicky entered the edge of his vision. _

"_Nicky… I don't understand… what did I do?" he got up and cautiously tip-toed over to his best friend._

_Nicky emitted a strange sound – a bitter scoff of a laugh – that sounded alien coming from the normally cheerful and naïve man-child, "One word: Ricky."_

"_Oh." Said Rod heavily as the memories wriggled throughout his brain._

"_I thought we were in love!" Nicky cried melodramatically, clutching his hair and holding back tears of anguish._

"_We are!" Rod yelped, quickly getting caught up in the ludicrousness of the mood, "And besides, I saw you dancing with that girl! How do you think that made me feel, Nicky?"_

_Nicky sighed and slumped his shoulders, "See, the Nicky that did that wouldn't know how that would make you feel. How could he?" he smiled sadly, "You have to tell him."_

"_But…"_

"_But, what?"_

"_But… what if he doesn't feel the same way?"_

_Nicky put a hand against Rod's cheek, "At least you'll know."_

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><p>"Nicky!" Rod jolted awake abruptly, a cold sweat decorating his forehead, "Nicky! I have to – I've got to – I must… huh?" It was then that Rod realised that he was tied up.<p>

"Ah, you've woken, I see."

"Ricky…? What… what's going on? Why am I tied to a chair? Where's Nicky? Why are you stroking a white cat and chuckling maniacally?"

"Oh Rod," Ricky shook his head ruefully and laughed, "I've always loved your naivety. It's so endearing."

Rod frowned and squirmed a bit before realising the futility.

"Don't you see? We were meant to be together! We were supposed to grow old, adopt an Asian baby and serve tofu turkey at Christmas!" Ricky cried suddenly.

"So… how does your kidnapping me fit into that delusion – I mean, dream?"

Ricky chuckled, and acted as though he hadn't heard him, "Understandably, I was shattered when you broke up with me – but I realised that you were just scared by how fast we were moving. How intense our feelings for each other were. So, I got over it. Good things come to those that wait, and all that. But then when you told me that you and Nicky were going out…," his eyes hardened and an absolutely terrifying expression took hold of his face, "Well. I realised then that you'd projected your feelings for me onto him. I mean, it's understandable – you've been best friends since college – it's natural to assume that you'd be a perfect match," he paused to curse as the cat scratched him and bolted. Rod stared after it longingly, "And so, I decided that you needed to be brought to your senses in the most gentle way possible."

"So you abducted me?"

"Pretty much, yes."

* * *

><p><strong>Ricky as a Bond villain... who knew? Technically, it's impossibe to write him OOC, seeing as he has about one line in the musical, so, you never know... <strong>


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